Books : The Reading Campaign and First Person POV Ramble

 

The Reading Campaign

There is a small campaign made by local libraries in Selangor that urges us to read for 10 minutes today, from 11 am to 11.10 am. I don't know what to feel when the campaign is to invite anyone/everyone to stop doing other things and just read anything for 10 minutes. 

10 minutes? :F

In school, if the teacher gives us a free slot to do anything we like, I would read, during recess, I would spend time in the library to choose which book to read next, after school, if I had to stay back for extra hours class, I would spend more time in the library before that, to read. I used to organized the book series in the library based on what I'd read because there was no one else reading those book series. I secretly plastic-wrapped the books that I read and returned them back to the library, then when I came back years later, I would recognize these books. 

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On writing a novel based on the first person's POV:

Here is an excerpt to remind me why Orhan Pamuk's first-person POV doesn't sound too excessively self-absorbed - because 1. he always reminds himself of that when writing (and even aware of that to the point of mentioning it in the story, 2. because as a writer, his observation towards his surrounding is meticulous and elaborate, self-absorbed people don't see anything other than himself.

 

You can actually feel the story that revolves around the character versus the character that was there, observing the story. 

He did not even want to think about how terrible the world would be if men spoke always of themselves, of their own peculiarities, if their books and their stories were always about this.

So I apologize to those readers who don't like it when a man speaks of himself especially when he's caught up in such confusing emotions..  

There is a thin line between this, and I'm a bit particular when I read first-person POV fiction - 

it's my all-time favorite style of writing, but not everyone can reach that sweet spot. 

Not Dostoyevsky, not Hesse, not Coelho. 

To reach the death of the human's ego.

Patut lah dia menang Nobel Prize....... :F

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Note: I just finished a good book, so I'm not over it yet.

Books : The Coincidence of Reading Books with the Same Theme

I cleaned up my book collection. In that process, I sold, donated, and gave away many books that I know I don't want to own anymore (they deserve to be read by others). So upon analyzing these books, I decided that it was time for me to actually read the books that I bought but kept for years because I was not in "the right mood". Tapi yelah, sapa nak baca buku classic lit waktu2 tengah serabut kan.

So then, that is how I started to read both these books that I've had since forever on my Raya weekends:

• The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, 1846
• The White Castle by Orhan Pamuk, 1985

I was gladly surprised by the coincidence of the book theme: the duality / double characters. This wasn't even planned, I randomly picked these books on my shelves. I'm also still in Hesse's fever, so the same theme spread all across his novels (Narcissus & Goldmund, Demian, Steppenwolf, Siddhartha) that I've been reading since last year + and I'm researching his connection with Carl Jung's ideas on that as well. 

I've been toying with the theme ever since I reached my mid-30s and started questioning the meaning of my whole existence and the rationale of my decisions in life. So these are the same themes written by all legendary writers and a topic much discussed by psychoanalysts, I'm also awed by how they wrote these ideas, theories, observations, and questions in their own fiction. Sebab when we write our thoughts and ideas in a fiction, takde lah audience feel like they are being forced to accept these ideas/theories kan, instead much towards geletek2 our own curiosity to use the chance to analyze that idea yourself - see whether you agree or not. 

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The White Castle (summary taken from Wiki):

In the 17th century, a young Italian scholar sailing from Venice to Naples is taken prisoner and delivered to Constantinople. There he falls into the custody of a scholar known as Hoja (master) a man who is his exact double. In the years that follow, the slave instructs his master in Western science and technology, from medicine to pyrotechnics. But Hoja wants to know more: why he and his captive are the persons they are and whether, given knowledge of each other's most intimate secrets, they could actually exchange identities.

Note: What I love the most about Orhan's writing in this short novel is how he wrote his story from the characters' silent observations and experiences without the feeling of the character's self-importance or entitlement (this is hard to achieve). He was simply observing. Perhaps it is the character's personality, as someone knowledgeable in this story, he performs his observations on his double like a silent experiment, and his calmness radiates even though he is a slave of his double in this book. 

Love it when they start to do writing exercises together, slowly the slave starts to use that chance to learn about his master's personal thoughts and at the same time make use of this personal self-discovery in writing about himself to his own advantage. This wasn't the modern world (it was the 17th century), so the idea of using psychoanalysis to learn about your enemy in writing - is just fun. 

vs

The Double (summary taken from Wiki):

In Saint Petersburg, Yakov Petrovich Golyadkin works as a titular councilor, a low-level bureaucrat struggling to succeed. Golyadkin has a formative discussion with his physician, Doctor Rutenspitz, who fears for his sanity and tells him that his behavior is dangerously antisocial. He prescribes "cheerful company" as the remedy. Golyadkin resolves to try this and leaves the office. He proceeds to a birthday party for Klara Olsufyevna, the daughter of his office manager. He was uninvited, and a series of faux pas led to his expulsion from the party. On his way home through a snowstorm, he encounters a man who looks exactly like him, his double. The following two-thirds of the novel then deals with their evolving relationship. At first, Golyadkin and his double are friends, but Golyadkin Jr. proceeds to attempt to take over Sr.'s life, and they become bitter enemies. Because Golyadkin Jr. has all the charm, unctuousness, and social skills that Golyadkin Sr. lacks, he is very well-liked among his office colleagues.

Note: So, I've read Fyodor's writings and mostly these books feel like they were written by someone with a mental health problem - his paranoia, his insecurities, his confusion, his nagging judgment on others. This book is just another fiction based on that. Sure, he fictionized his observations on life and the society around him - but they were just a bit too negative. I can feel his struggle with that, it was eating him. Although the theme is "duality" and the characters share the same name and face, one is the original one, and another one "acts" like the better version of him - in a way, it feels like a fake character, an alter ego of some sort just to steal his identity. 

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Aaaanyway, perhaps I'm too into this. 

Well, I personally think The White Castle was an interesting calm read on the given topic and The Double was a bit too chaotic for my own taste. The interesting part is this in itself feels like the extreme sides of both writing voices, which I noted and compared because I read both books in 2 weekends. Menyesal I took so long to finally read them.

For that, I end my nerdy post with,

thank you for coming to my tedtalk. 

♥

Little Stories 281 : The Raya, the Raya Books, and Getting Pierced

Ever since the last stretch post, a lot of things happened to me. I am still processing the hiccups and turbulences, it was hard and confusing at times - that explained my hiatus. But most of the time, I was just too busy surviving the chapter. My brother asked me why I'm not updating anything - I couldn't, I am still processing.

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☾₊ ⊹

First Week of Raya

Raya was triggering, as per usual. I was back at my mom's and it wasn't that great (because I couldn't avoid it this time, I had to go through it without any distractions). I think both my younger siblings can agree that this Raya was a bit dramatic because we didn't have our buffers. It was intense, messy, and triggering. We were all wishing it would end as quickly as it possibly could. I would need a different strategy next year, we couldn't keep up with this, we are just too old for this.

I slept early on both nights because I just couldn't process the emotional dramas Raya brought. It was overwhelming at times, but seeing that my younger sister was struggling way worse than me, I decided to just tune off most of the time. We would definitely need therapy, especially for Raya season. 

I finally ended my caffeine fasting after more than a month - then I started having indigestion on the first and second days of Raya (not sure whether it was from all the Raya food or the beautiful caffeine shots that my brother made for us). The first week of Raya ended fast for me, I spent most of my extra holiday calmly reading books and more books ♥

Books During Raya:

Suddenly I managed to catch up with my book consumption. I started with only 3 books just 2 weeks ago.

I finished reading Elif Shafak's 10 Minutes 48 Seconds in this Strange World and then I bought The Lying Life of Adults by Elena Ferrante on Kindle for $2.99. Always with backup, always. Then I also finished Dostoevsky's The Double. This leads me to question why people like his books, they don't appeal to me. 

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Peaky Blinders

I finished Peaky Blinders and I'm glad I finished it. It was exhausting - I think it was around a month for the whole 6 seasons of Peaky Blinders and almost nothing else. I think in the end, Thomas Shelby is only fighting with himself and no one else. He made an enemy of himself, he was in the war until the very end. I hope the final movie will do him justice. Or it might not. 

To test whether it is the Thomas or Cillian effect, I watched Quiet Place 2 and decided that yes, the fictional character Thomas Shelby is uniquely attractive and I'm confused as to why that is. I'm not usually interested in a bad character, so this is a space for me to think through and analyze that part of me.

I'm confused. 

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Ear Pierced for the 3rd Time

When I was in Nilai, Ma jokingly asked to get Sofi's ears pierced (which I said no to assuming Sofi didn't want it because of the pain). But I wanted it for myself, so I asked her to accompany me to get my ears pierced - for the third time. Long story short, I don't really wear jewelry because our weather is quite brutal and I get rashes all the time. I think the last time I wore earrings, I got an allergic reaction because of the material so I didn't wear any for more than 10 years. So both the earrings' holes closed up - I got pierced twice so I got 4 closed earring holes. 

This time, I hope I learned my lesson.

For RM 55, I picked basic stainless steel sphere earrings and asked to get them re-pierced at the same old spot. Sprayed with cooler and anti-septic, I sat in their little surau in the jewelery shop and asked Sofi to watch me get my ears pierced one by one. After I was done, I told her that it was a bit painful, but it was done, and I gave her time to think before deciding on whether she wanted it for herself. 

Then we went off to go shopping, and she said she wanted to get her ears pierced - so I explained the process again, told her it would be a bit painful, and let her think again. We shopped around then before we went back I asked her again, she still wanted to get her ears pierced, so then we went back to the shop and booked her slot. I let her choose her own earrings and asked the sellers to pierce both her ears at the same time so she couldn't change her mind. 

It actually went well, she was so brave. I was surprised because I knew she was scared of everything and I think 5 years old is still a bit too young to be manipulated into getting her ears pierced if she doesn't want it - knowing her, I assumed she wouldn't want it. But I was wrong to undermine her determination. She knows what she wants, I didn't even have to manipulate her into believing that she can do it.  

So then, we went back home with both our ears pierced ♥

I kind of wanted a double helix piercing all my life, and might actually do it this time.

 

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Anyway, Raya has always been challenging for us, it isn't something new.

I hope it has been great for you ☾₊ ⊹

Salam Aidilfitri.

Books : About Books - When I Finally Hv the Time

Note: I'm back from my Raya holiday quite early, so to end my hiatus I will finish up drafting this post and actually click the 'publish' button. Salam Aidilfitri ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

 Books I Consumed in March - April :

• The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante - loved it. Would read more books by Elena Ferrante.
• My Husband by Maud Ventura - A French woman obsessing about her "ideal" husband and how to make their marriage more passionate even after 15 years together. It was annoyingly obsessive, would question where is the line between love and obsession.
• Strangers by Taichi Yamada - heyyy, the plot twist! A major film called All of Us Strangers starring Paul Mescal, Andrew Scott, and Claire Foy just came out, it is loosely based on this 1987 Japanese novel. In the novel, the couple isn't g*y though. The loneliness feels like it came straight from the Murakami realm. 
• The Nursery by Szilvia Molnar - about motherhood, early post-partum depression, the struggle to make sense, and the loneliness as a default parent. 
• Afterwards by Charlotte Leonard- About grieving, when her husband killed herself, she was left processing the grief and loss. 
• Peter Camenzind by Hermann Hesse - a young man from the Swiss mountain village, leaves his home and goes to the city to experience new things. About relationships and life, mostly, perhaps about the love for nature as well. 
• 10 Minutes 38 Seconds in This Strange World by Elif Shafak - Another favorite of mine by Elif. 

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Everything about books in my life:

• I started consuming books again right after I finished my miserable months with TBT. During those 2 months, I slowly read some physical books but didn't finish any of them. Now, I subscribed to Everand again (used to be known as Scribd) and been listening to audiobooks like before.
• I gave away all my Jodi Picoult's book collection to a random Ig follower, hoping for them to find a new home, a new reader that would appreciate the journey. My first Jodi's book was My Sister's Keeper, bought at Popular South City Plaza in 2008 right after SPM (I still remember the day). My last Jodi's book was A Spark of Light in 2019. I decided to stop reading her books after falling out of love with her writing style/genre. In my Jodi's collection, I got 2 books from Aja, 1 book from Ra, 1 from Uncle, 1 from Zm, 1 from Ay, and 1 from Tsy - all other books were bought by me.  
• I also collected all the comics from my dad's house (mostly collected by my siblings during our teenage years). There were around 4 shelves of books. We brought it to the recycling center and only received RM 7.70 for all 4 shelves of books. Which I found funny because the 4 shelves of comics = not even 1 new comic in the market.
• I decided to reduce more of my old book clutter, and then I managed to separate the books that I needed to send to the donation center in IOI or perhaps any library that would accept used fiction. Now what I have on my current bookshelves are books that I actually want to read, and reread, or the ones with sentimental values. I decided to only limit my books to 2 big bookshelves :F  
• During the cleanup, which took days and days of thorough inspection. I found several hundred ringgit and a LOT of trinkets that I used as my bookmarks. Huge amounts of bus tickets (metro & rapidKL), tissues from cafes or restaurants, money, name cards, notes, reminders, postcards, and yes, proper 'real' bookmarks. Just to tell you how much reading I did during waiting time - for the bus, for the train, for people, in general. A lot of waiting. 
• Now that the fasting month has ended, I will try to spend some days in the library, reading books. I found another new library that I would like to explore. 

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On Reading More HH's :

I read HH's first book - Peter Camenzind and I quite enjoyed it. My journey with HH is almost at the end - I have a digital copy of his last fiction on my Kindle, but not Gertrude (might need to do a little more digging). 

Herman Hesse's Books : 

•  1904 - Peter Camenzind ✓ 
•  1906 - Beneath the Wheel ✓ 
•  1910 - Gertrude 
•  1914 - Rosshalde ✓
•  1915 - Knulp ✓ 
•  1919 - Demian ✓ 
•  1922 - Siddhartha ✓ 
•  1927 - Steppenwolf ✓ 
•  1930 - Narcissus and Goldmund ✓ 
• 1932 - Journey to the East ✓ 
•  1943 - The Glass Bead Game

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Whisper of the Heart, 1995

Today I also finished watching this Ghibli anime. As a book lover, I was pleased when I found out that the hero and heroine are both intense readers, both spent a lot of time in the library and antique shop + she finally found her calling and decided to become a writer. 

Have a crush based on the name on book library cards? - That is so like a book nerd romance-fantasy. Thank you, Hayao for creating a nerdy character. 

♡︎

Little Stories 280 : Final Stretch

Intense final week:

I dreamed of my work last night, in my dream, I was managing which task to do first. Lining up all the tasks in their order and priority, thinking about how on earth to manage multiple tasks concurrently so I wouldn't be late to submit everything. Whole day working and I continued working even in my dream. But despite that, because it is week 8 of the training, I have managed my expectations and possibly my stress as well. 

BUT, I might be in denial - maybe I am just not as hysterical as before, but the stress is still really high. Or else, I wouldn't be waking up late in the night, sleeping back, and feeling tired even after a long sleep now, wouldn't it? Current weight is 47 kg, which might be because of puasa, or overwork, or possibly both. Ma jokingly said there is no point in wearing a kebaya with a flat body like mine - which I should take offense to, but seriously, do you think I have time to think about how my body looks when I have more important struggles to manage?

Payung Teduh said :

Mengapa takut pada lara

Sementara semua rasa bisa kita cipta?

Akan selalu ada tenang di sela-sela gelisah

Yang menunggu reda 

I'm waiting for everything to calm down, then I'll pack up and leave.

Little Stories 279 : The Other Hike, Dune and Peaky Blinders

 

The Taman Tugu Hike:

The latest hike we did was on the 29th Feb - we planned to redo the hike (full trail version this time) since our first hike in Taman Tugu last June. Here, please refer is the map - we did it from CP1 until CP 30 and it took around 2 hours, started around 8 am and finished the hike around 10-ish.

I was really hungry after starting half of the hike because I didn't have my breakfast beforehand, I didn't bring any snacks because I was busy preparing Sofi for school before we went out so I forgot. Rookie mistake - always bring snacks and a water bottle during a hike. Then you can calmly consider extending your hiking session and even have a calmer walk in the forest. Kalau tak, apparently I annoyingly keep on thinking about my grumbling stomach and mentioned food to them. Which I don't usually do, but this time I did feel extra hungry. 

It was a nice hike, even though the sun was quite high, it wasn't that hot. I enjoyed the hike, it was another good hike (but a hungry version). Thank you to Ms Chin and my brother. Oh, and we had brunch afterward.  

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Watched Dune 2 on iMax

I did it, I watched both Dune & Dune 2 in the same week before puasa. Just because I wanted to watch AND eat something during the movie, so for the butter + sugary popcorn effect, now I got myself a pimply face. Kudos.

Anyway, the story was not something new - Star Wars said Dune copied Star Wars, and Dune said Star Wars copied them. In reality, it is just a representation of what's been happening in the real world kan so I think there shouldn't be an argument about that. They just turned something that is already there, into science fiction.

I was a bit uncomfortable with the Islamic/Middle Eastern "inspiration": the chanting, the language, the name, the prayer session, the messiah premonition, the clothes, the culture, etc. "Lisan Al-Gaib", the jinns in the desert, the "Mahdi" - come on, calling Paul "Mahdi" when Paul is a white character as a savior in the foreign land, the so-called "savaged world". A white character comes as a savior, making use of a fictitious premonition done by the more powerful tribe, the "Bene-Gesserit" into his own agenda. 

To be fair, the writer himself didn't intend to make Paul a hero, he wanted to show the world the danger of a false messiah, he was an anti-hero. BUT, by putting Timothee as the main character, I know for sure, that not many people would see him as that, we can't deny that we rooted for the character. I mean, look at his hair and his doe-eyes:

Why is it dangerous though? For most people, it is because of these kinds of representations that we create our perceptions with. The white character is always the 'hero' - even though in the story he is the manipulative one, and the other races are always shown as uncivilized or savaged characters which I really don't appreciate. They came to this foreign land, stole all the herbs, made money out of it, and treated the locals like criminals, and they are the hero? Have you ever heard this storyline? - always, all-the-time, it's live right now, all around the world. 

So yeah, I don't appreciate this kind of representation because I really feel like they have been holding on to the 'story' for a bit too long. I think it is time for people to realize that, yeah, the story-maker is always going to create the story that they intend to structure. By using stories we can control the people.

In Dune, they used the premonition that the Bene Gesserit created and planned themselves. They foresaw his arrival, they implanted the idea for so long that it would look like a prophecy that came true. Look at how they show the Fremen when it really happened, is this how the writer thinks of our religions?

Ok ok ok, I'm a bit too deeply emotional about this. But yeah, if you can, take into account the stories, the representation, and the message when you read or watch something. Then you can see, the real story outside of the story.

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Peaky Blinders 

Lately, I've been watching Peaky Blinders when I have the space, between works. 

So, of course, let's talk about why a character like Thomas Shelby could be seen as attractive? Hahaha. I don't talk from everyone else's pov, but from mine alone. Yes, I could see his charisma and intelligence, they are undeniably attractive features. But at the same time, can we really make a clear distinction between whether he is a bad guy or a good guy who had to do bad stuff? We could discuss that, and probably not have any definite answer.

Sometimes people have to do something morally wrong, just to survive - maybe, in his situation, for him to not be bullied by the authority or other 'gangs', he knew what he really needed to protect his family was to go beyond what's wrong and what's right, he needed power. So that's what he did. He bent the rules, he closed his eyes, and he chose his battles. 

When I discussed with Af about this, he said that men adore his character, and I understand that. He has the power, intelligence, charisma, will and motivation. He is a good leader of his clan. But despite all the good qualities, I still feel that he is a bad person that shouldn't be adored. The only time I found him attractive was when he showed his softer side. See, women always see the softer side. The power doesn't impress us. We are physically weaker creatures, why do you think more power would impress us? I feel icky with the word "power".

Every time he chose to do the right things, I approved, every time he showed his softer side, I rooted for him, when he fell in love and he was in pain, that's when I could relate and started to see him as a human. He is not a machine, he is not a good person, so psychologically, why do you think men want to be like him? 

But, between these 3 brothers, I would definitely go for Tommy (as a nerd, I am attracted to highly intelligent people). I rest my case. 

Ok, I think enough for the puasa rambling.

PS - I rushed to finish my work yesterday before the weekend so now I had free time and neck pain. 

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Books - The Courage To Be Disliked and Adler's Theory on Separation of Tasks

 

I'm continuing back this book: The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I bought this book last year and have been trying to finish this up (but it is taking too long).

The issue with this book is how it is written, the penyampaian of these philosophies - it is boring, well not as boring as reading a textbook, but boring enough. In this book, the philosopher is having a conversation with a youth, explaining the philosophical theories by Alfred Adler. No stories, just a really long conversation so it felt like ideas were being preached to me instead of reading a story. Why pretend like it is a story when the writers didn't want to explore the story properly? 

Why take this road?

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Opinion: I rather have not the teacher-student dynamic in a story because I don't feel comfortable with the idea of one person who feels like they are all-knowing and another is lost and seems 'empty'. 

I feel like choosing the teacher-student dynamic in fiction is a bit lazy. Just to tell/explain your ideas/thoughts as a writer, you write about an all-knowing character and then this character feeds all the ideas to this other character who seems like needed your input. Instead of exploring the other ways to present these ideas. Every human with 'akal' is capable of constructing their own wisdom if they really make use of it well, so why would you deny that part. Why feed everything in one go, what's the thrill in that? Where is the human complexity in the characters? 

I love it when ideas are being presented most subtly or in stories within stories. I love when I have to do my own digging just to understand the idea, or when I have to think and discuss to know the possibilities of the ideas. 

Any fiction, so this also goes into movies - not just books. 

So for me, a story that explains everything *especially by its character is just not challenging enough. I'll get bored and even sometimes even offended when the character explains just everything. 

But, that's just on my part. That is why I think this book is boring because it is just a conversation between the philosopher and the youth. But this might be my unpopular opinion, 3 million other people who bought this book might not agree with me :F

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On a second note, maybe the reason why I'm taking too long is because I need to think as these new ideas being presented in every chapter (especially when I haven't decided to agree or disagree with an idea). Here's a sample: 

Separation of Tasks-

1. Everyone has their own tasks, so your task is to fulfill yours
2. Do not intrude on other people's tasks

In this chapter, the philosopher said that in general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people's tasks or having one's own tasks intruded on. The philosopher gave an example of a child and a parent, where a child, has the responsibility to do his/her own homework, and as a parent, his/her responsibility is to provide all the assistance one possibly can and to remind the child of the task. That's it.

Not to force, beg, manipulate, or negotiate with the child, even though as a parent, we know better. Forcing the child and ignoring the child's intention will only lead to an intense reaction like anger or frustration. This goes on towards adulthood, for example when we want to choose our own path in the future, or regarding family responsibilities, or anything lah. Especially with family, we feel like we have the right to give our unsolicited advice kan.

Adler said that it is better if you just focus on your tasks. Let everyone else focus on theirs - and don't intervene. You know what you need to do, and that is what's important. Macamana orang lain nak deal with their own tasks will be entirely up to them (their way, their pace, their decision) - even if you feel like you know better. Keep your right distance - macam kaonashi in Spirited Away, ada when needed kat sebelah.

So, I've been thinking about whether this idea works in every situation or not, and whether it is valid. In a way, it's true lah, every family disagreement comes when one crosses their boundaries and starts to mess with other people's things. Wait, what if, this one person doesn't fulfill their responsibility and it affects the others? Arguments are bound to happen, kan. And to what extent? How about in a relationship, there are 2 people, and each with their own tasks - when to interfere?

Ok, I haven't decided, yet.

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Last night, I dreamed about going to the library and it then rained hard.

Super-nerd dream. 

Note: Selamat Berpuasa !

Little Stories 278 : This Phase - 17 More Days

A couple more weeks to survive this crazy work phase (17 days to be exact) - of working full-time with 2 companies. At the same time, I managed to officially finish all my client work yesterday and that felt like a burden being lifted off my shoulder - a bit. 

Last night, I slept through the night for the first time. 

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I work on weekdays and weekends, early morning until night time, which includes public holidays. None respected my time because apparently as a "freelancer" I made myself available all the time (because I always work odd hours to manage multiple projects, so I just can't avoid contacting my clients during odd times as well). So we don't have the "after-hour" working limit. Af took Sofi out every weekend and I stayed home alone - working.

At times, my stress level is at its peak all day long and I can feel it in my body. That's how sensitive I am now, I learned to feel the changes. When I'm stressed, I can't eat, usually, after I send my submission, all the hunger comes right in and I'll eat anything available then I'd have a stomach ache (perhaps due to indigestion). This keeps on repeating over and over again. 

I can't talk about anything else than work - because that's what I do every day. Multiple works. I feel like the agency is eating my soul (maybe because we have a beef with each other) and it is unhealthy - but what else can I do except to endure this craziness. 

Every time I tried to talk about it with someone they would always mention the money - "ohh, the money would be worth it", "masyukk la kerja double duit double", "at least ada kerja dari takda kerja". Like everything is only about the money. The money does sound nice, yes, but money disappears like water, it helped in certain ways that I needed, but it won't stay for long. To have that much money, in exchange, it will drain my time, my energy, and my mental + physical health. I just want them to realize this part as well. It comes with a cost.

So then, I realized that any problems that we have, we don't have to share it with anyone because no one wants to know - they don't really know what to say (yes, even family). I told Af that I would need to whine and complain for these 2 months because it need them all out of my system - verbally, and I don't need a solution because sometimes, I just want someone to listen to my daily problems. 

I write here - to remember, if you happen to stumble on the blog where I whine and complain about work like any normal human - well, this is the current phase that I'm dealing with right now and I have nothing else to say other than about work. 

Tapi ok lah, only for 2 months. 

But a really unhealthy 2 months.

Ok - see you after the typhoon ends.

PS - I'm reading "The Days of Abandonment" by Elena Ferrante - which triggers the woman angst theme for this post. 

Little Stories 277 : A Bit Tense, Lately

A Bit Too Tense :

I've been having minor migraine for 5 days. I could even feel the pressure on my jaw. Yesterday I had to try the migraine massage in Putrajaya, just to try something. I know I'm stressed out and overbooked, but I have no option but to go through this until the end of March. This morning I woke up anxious, I couldn't eat and felt nauseous. I tried the acupressure mat and my heart rhythm slowed down a bit. 

I tried the massage, I tried the acupressure mat, I tried drinking warm water (supposedly to hydrate), and I tried breathing practices. But I still can't manage my stress and anxiety. That was why I rejected the job in Nov in the first place because I can't deal with a time-constraint work environment - this first happened while I worked with MM then again with JA. Every time I get too stressed with work, my stress and anxiety will go spiralling. 

So right now, I'm trying to write to clear up my head a bit. 

This evening, I will try running. 

I will try every healthy way to manage it until I can learn to regulate my own emotions because I can't let this cripple my career kan. There must be ways to have fun while over-working kot kan. Kah kah kah. 

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One Day:

 

I knew I wrote it sometime back, ten years ago to be exact. 

It's One Day - on Netflix. I loved it when I first read the book, and I kinda loved it when I watched the movie adaptation. This time, it is a 14-short episode on Netflix. I thought it would be fun to watch it while working, so I did. Just finished it.

Did not make me cry this time - thought it would give me a good cry but it didn't. Maybe the reason was because : 1) I watched it while designing UI and 2) Both characters were not lovable - Emma in the movie was quirky, but in the series, she seems a bit snobbish. Dexter in both the movie and the series were annoying, so I'm not attached to either of them. 

It's about friendship and love. Yes, same as what I wrote before, if it is meant to be, there's no point in running. Maktub. But for them to be together, both of them need to fall, grow, learn, and heal in their own ways. 

People who never read/watched the movie might be surprised by the ending. 

So, perhaps, get ready for a tissue?

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Random things on books (from draft post):

 

On Buying Preloved Books:

I bought 2 preloved books on Carousell:

• 10 minutes 38 seconds in This Strange World by Elif Shafak
• The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante

I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to buy any books that I might not like - I prefer borrowing, but the options are so limited. So I had to swim through the list of books that people want to sell as preloved and I had to buy them. But I think I can resell them back later if I don't like them. 

Reading in January:

After such a successful reading year in 2023, I decided to have a slow reading year in 2024. Since Jan, I only read 2 books:  Rosshalde by Hermann Hesse + The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. 

“But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind.”

I'm currently reading Anxious People by Fredrick Backman, it is such a boring book =.= So I stopped. Then I didn't have any time to read anymore. 

On Reading More HH's :

I read another one of HH's underwhelming book written in 1914 - didn't like it and it took forever to finish it up even though it was not that long.

Herman Hesse's Books : 

•  1904 - Peter Camenzind 
•  1906 - Beneath the Wheel ✓ 
•  1910 - Gertrude 
•  1914 - Rosshalde ✓
•  1915 - Knulp ✓ 
•  1919 - Demian ✓ 
•  1922 - Siddhartha ✓ 
•  1927 - Steppenwolf ✓ 
•  1930 - Narcissus and Goldmund ✓ 
• 1932 - Journey to the East ✓ 
•  1943 - The Glass Bead Game

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Note: I have been drafting unfinished posts since Jan, so I decided to post them all here - unpolished. So later if I read back, I can 'feel' the phases that I went through and see how it got reflected in my writings. 

=.=

Dah la, tonight I wanna go cry in my sleep (tapi tak sempat sbb tertidur terus). Zz.

Little Stories 276 : Two Weeks In - Feb

Didn't feel like writing :F

Work-wise:

February is mostly a work month - I'm "supposedly" working full-time with 2 companies. The agency that tried to sue me because I signed a contract but I canceled on working with them before the date started (in Nov) and also the fintech that has been offering me a full-time position since July last year but has not yet given me a proper contract to sign half a year later. Like I said before, career-wise, it is an odd phase for me. I can't say for a fact that I am working officially for anyone - but, yes, I am working unofficially for them. Because of that, I can work 2 jobs right now, both remotely, but double the stress, and time. 

I thought I'd be having a small celebratory holiday for finishing all the client's projects in Dec, maybe going somewhere, but no, I had to continue sitting in front of the screen every day (even on weekends and public holidays). I can't even have my weekly walk. Ok lah, maybe because I'm just a bit physically and mentally drained right now, so I'm a bit bitter. 

Just tired, so I don't have the energy to sit and write. 

I don't even listen to books.

And I wake up at 2-3 am every night. That one time, I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep afterward. Can you imagine the stress that I'm dealing with - I'm probably in my unhealthiest condition right now because I'm really bad at managing my stress. I looked old, I feel much older. I'm not in my content phase, so I got disassociated from life a lot. 

That's why I don't write. 

- 

The Small Socializing:

I met Ms Chin again for the latest life updates. Been a while since I last met her, and we had a looong chat. Then we met up with Ma and the siblings (because it had been almost a month since we last met Ma), cooking sessions, balik Nilai, and lepak2 at my brother's. Simple socializing activities with the family. 

The pictures in order:

1. The over-priced 3-hrs breakfast.
2. Syabu-syabu session at Ma's - during the first weekend. I watched the emo-batman (Robert Pattinson version) that weekend and ate ice cream. Never thought I would enjoy the movie. 
3. Unplanned lunch at my brother's - I didn't expect a fancy lunch when he invited me, I thought it was something simple like nasi goreng.

Last weekend, during the CNY holiday - we had a brunch session at my brother's house. I woke up early to make mushroom/cauliflower soup at home. Then we went to my brother's to help with the cooking and prepping. It's cool that we can all work together in the kitchen now seamlessly. It didn't even feel like a chore but more like a family activity that we all seemed to enjoy. 

Tried practicing chess again after I left it in the school years, but can't seem to focus. 

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Here's a selfie of the day I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep back again even after 2 hours of tossing and turning. I promise to manage my stress better this year so that I can sleep better again - this is probably a cry for help from my stressed mind. I should start running again, but I'm just too tired to do anything else:

Note: All in all, I'm just a bit overworked and stressed out about my life in general. Like everyone else on the planet, I am just struggling to find the balance. But I'm grateful, always, because I am not depressed, and my will to live is still burning - it is just not perfect lah. No one's life is perfect kan. 

How are you so far?