Excerpt 09 : The Art of Losing

Read the whole essay here. - by Ruth Ozeki in Shambala Sun Magazine :

So what is the difference between losing and letting go? What makes losing feel like such a disaster? On an obvious level, it’s about control. When I let go, I’m in control; when I lose, I’m not. Letting go is a willful act; losing, a violation of my will.
I think there’s a powerful link between creativity and death. We make things because we lose things: memories, people we love, and ultimately our very selves. Our acts of creation are ways of grappling with death: we imagine it, struggle to make sense of it, forestall or defeat it. 
To care for a parent with Alzheimer’s is to practice losing every day. I wrote a lot during that time, which was part of my practice. These are some entries from my blog :    

May 25, 2004 
A lot has happened. My mother turned ninety last month and we had a little birthday party for her. 
“How old am I?” she asked me. 
“You’re ninety, Mom.” 
Her eyes widened.
“I am! That’s unbelievable! How can I be ninety? I don’t feel ninety.” 
“How old do you feel?” 
She was perfectly serious. 
I laughed.
“You can’t be forty. Even I’m older than forty.” 
“You are?” she exclaimed. “That’s terrible!” 
“Gee, thanks.” 
She shook her head.
“You know, I must be getting old. I just can’t remember anything anymore.” 
She looked up at me and blinked. 
“How old am I?” 
Later on, I asked her, “How does it feel?” 
“When you can’t remember things. Does it frighten you? Do you feel sad?”
“Well, not really. I have this condition, you see. It’s called os... oste... ” 
“You mean Alzheimer’s?” I said, helping her out.
She looked astonished. “Yes! How on earth did you know?” 
“Just a guess...” 
“I can never remember the name,” she explained.
 “Of course not.”
 “It affects my memory...”
 “...and that’s why you can’t remember.” 
She frowned and shook her head.
 “Remember what?” 
“There’s not a single thing I can do about it,” she told me, when I reminded her.
“If there was something I could do and I wasn’t doing it, then I could feel sad or depressed. But as it is...” She shrugged. 
“So you’re OK with it?” 
She looked at me, patiently. 
“I don’t have much choice,” she explained, “So I may as well be happy.”

Book : Random babbles on books

My brother bought me some books from his book voucher coupon. I listed 3, thinking he will choose one, but he bought all 3 of those books. We met after I finished work at KL Sentral and he showed me those freshly baked good stuffs in his bag. I read the first book right away on my way back home while he nodded off next to me. *should consider giving him extra duit raya*

On the list was :
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt - 2013
A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki - 2013
The Shining by Stephen King - 1977

I am very particular about buying books from writers that I've never tried from. Sticking to authors that I love is pretty easy, because I come to know all the crooks and nooks of their styles and way of telling stories. While reading from a totally new author in my list will usually end up either : 1. I fall in love head over heels with them or 2. I can't even finish up their book and the money spent on the book will be wasted.


I learned about Donna Tartt since I saw her book : The Little Friend several years ago. The words in the book were printed really small and the book was over 500 pages. I never bought it. Small text, thick and pricy. Can't take the risk. But I've being eyeing that book since forever. So 11 years after The Little Friend was published, The Goldfinch came out. Fresh, highly recommended by readers and just won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. I just had to read her books. So this is what I'm currently reading. 900+ pages of her fiction in small text.

And while I was on my way to my little adventure with Donna Tartt's latest story, I received the book I ordered last month from bookdepository : Amityville Horror by Jay Anson - 1977, a book based on a real case. So knowing I'll take some time reading The Goldfinch, I decided to start reading the book right away. It didn't even take 2 days to finish it off. Ha. But, I'm not going to give any remarks towards the story.


While Ruth Ozeki's book actually came in randomly in the list. I loved Murakami so much that I just had to try other Japanese author and probably other Asian Literature to explore writing styles and stories more. One great thing about having a universal language *currently - English* is the unity of every single book/people in this world and the ability + chance to still recognize the difference and uniqueness of every living thing. 
Excerpt from the book :


Last one in my list, The Shining by Stephen King. I can only try horror stories in Ramadhan, thinking all bad spirits are locked up - so I can read it without feeling totally horrified. *that explained The Shining and Amityville Horror* This is very childish, I know :D Too bad I only managed to finish reading Amityville Horror.



Excerpt 08 : Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

Meaning and reality were not hidden somewhere behind things, they were in them, in all of them.
- and all were not worth a passing glance, everything lied, stank of lies; they were all illusions of sense, happiness and beauty. All were doomed to decay. The world tasted bitter. Life was pain.
Govinda knew that he would not become an ordinary Brahmin, a lazy superficial official, an avaricious dealer in magic sayings, a conceited worthless orator, a wicked sly priest, or just a good stupid sheep amongst a large herd. 

Doodle : Game mode



I've been playing TripleTown on my iPhone for more than 2 years =.=' For all game developers out there, maybe you need to study TripleTown - because I've been spending a lot of time with their bears and building little towns and floating castles. I never liked other iPhone games in the market.

And because I've been playing too much of that,
I decided to replay all 3 Locoroco versions again! :F
We'll see how long I'll take to complete that.

Doodle : Current favorite


These two songs touched my heart deeply